The Monster (that is me) 

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about my PND after I had my first daughter and then subsequently suffering from bouts of depression, but I just skirted over how it actually made me feel.

I have since decided to write about it more in depth to help me through it more as a type of my own “therapy” in the hope that writing will help me accept it more.

I never really thought I would be somebody who was labelled as “depressed” as I had always dealt with things in my life pretty well up until I was 22 and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was no longer able to cover up the cracks and paint a happy smile on my face and I quickly spiralled into a deep dark world that at that moment in time, I had no idea how to get out of and, if I’m completely honest I didn’t want to get out of it. I had lost all motivation and self worth.

I lost my appetite, I wasn’t sleeping at night, I wasn’t doing my hair or makeup because I hated the person staring back at me in the mirror, I just shut myself off from everybody. I didn’t want to go out and if I did go out anywhere because it was vital, I was having panic attacks. I had turned into somebody who I didn’t recognise. Never had I been this person, even after some traumatic events in my life. I was lashing out at my closet friends and family, breaking down in tears at the slightest thing…. This was something that I had seen happen to people but still I didn’t want to admit that I was suffering.

It took my mother in law to march me to the doctors and literally not let me leave until I opened up to my GP about how I was really feeling. I hated every second of telling her how I really was because I saw it as admitting defeat and that I was “weak” and “unstable” when in actual fact looking back it showed strength and courage to be able to say that I needed some help with life and that I wasn’t coping. I was referred for counselling and it really helped to just let go of some of my demons and talk through events and how I felt at the time when they happened, because that’s half my prpblem, I don’t open up as much as I should and so all these thoughts and feelings just build up and I end up exploding and I guess, destroying myself.

I’m still not fully “cured” however I recognise the signs a lot quicker now and so I can try and turn it around myself and not go into self destruct mode. I still have my off days/weeks but they are a lot easier to cope with now then what they were back then. I have certain triggers that set me off but I just go with the feelings now and if I want to cry then I do, if I want to not talk to anybody then I don’t, if it means manically cleaning for a few days then that’s what I do. Anything to help me get through those rough patches, I embrace it now and not hide it or pretend it’s not happening.

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