Isn’t it funny how you think you have your life in order and then boom…. Something comes along and puts a spanner in the works??
This isn’t a post about what it was that made me feel like my life was turned upside down, more a post about how it just goes to show how quickly one thing can shake me and make parts of my mental health rear its ugly head.
Over the last few months I have been on such a high, I got back into working, Brad is going great in his role at work, extended family life is on the up, money worries that we previously had are slowing disappearing and we are starting to be able to look to the future. Then one day something happens and I realise how easy it is to slip back into old ways.
The manic cleaning is my biggest issue when things go wrong in my life. It’s a learnt behaviour I think though, because that’s what my mum did when she was suffering, so I think I just thought that’s the way you deal with things. I know that’s not the worst way to deal with issues but it can be annoying sometimes. Take the other night for instance, I literally gutted my kitchen for 2 hours, scrubbing the toaster, the wine glasses and I went through 2 sponges and half a bottle of kitchen cleaner. I know that behaviour isn’t normal, but it’s a better way of dealing with things than what I used to do.
There was a time when I was much younger, before I had children that I would drink myself into an oblivion to block out what was happening, or I would go into self destruct mode, I would go out partying all weekend, make some very bad decisions and then all week just shut myself off to the world.
As I got older it all came to a head and I had to go to counselling and take anti-depressants to help me cope with a lot of my past and also what was going on in the present. Counselling helped me and I learnt to open up to the people around me. Now I know the triggers and can see the signs in advance, before I end up on a downward spiral.
Sometimes I hate the fact that even the littlest of things can affect me in such a big way and can make me sit and think that I need to be back on the tablets or that I can’t cope. However I have dealt with these feelings on so many occasions that I know they will pass and I know what I have to do to get myself out of that thought process. The cleaning is a great way for me to just clear my mind and get my thoughts into prospective.