“I’m so sorry I left you crying when I walked away. I wasn’t doing it to be nasty” That’s what kept going through my mind Tuesday morning, when I walked away from my 3 year old.
That morning while we were getting ready for school, childminder and work, my youngest daughter told me she loved me. This isn’t anything new, however the look in her eyes was. She looked saddened as she said it. I replied with a big smile and said I love you too Emme-Mai. She then proceeded to tell me she missed me and daddy when we are working and that she wanted us to stay at home with her.
Hearing this breaks my heart but I explained to her that we go to work so we can have ‘pennies’ so that we can have nice things, go for days out and to save so we can save to go over to Austrialia to see our friends. I know that deep down she understands this, however at that moment in time she doesn’t care about the reasons why we work, she just needs her mummy and daddy.
So off we went to school and all was fine until I had to hand Emme-Mai over to Sarah…. She stood huddled into my legs and as I gave her a gentle coax towards her, Emme-Mai shook her head and said no. I smiled at Emme-Mai and said she had to go and with that, she dug her heels in, shouted no bit louder and began to cry.
Now I know this sounds like she was just being stubborn but she was actually distraught, she clung onto me for dear life. I picked her up and she had her arms around me the tightest I had felt in a long time. Sarah helped by saying to Emme-Mai it was just her and Emme-Mai, which I said would be great and tried to encourage as much as I could. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t that strong because I had a few tears, but I tried to not let Emme-Mai see these. All the time while cuddling her I was giving her reassurance, but in the end I had to put her down, give her a kiss, tell her I loved her and walk away. If I didn’t do that I would of ended up walking home with her and not going to work.
I spoke to Sarah later on that morning and Emme-Mai had perked up after watching a film and chilling on the sofa. She was happy playing and I was told that I was spoken about lots throughout the day, so I clearly was on her mind.
I just feel so guilty walking away from her when she is so upset and clearly needs her parents. The exact same happened on Friday morning except it was daddy on the morning school run this time. It makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing by working, when it seems I am needed by my daughter. Am I truly doing what is best for my children at this moment in time?
Has anybody else had similar experiences and if so what did you do? How did it make you feel and how did you deal with those feelings?