I have been writing this post for the last couple of weeks and although it isn’t a very long post, it’s really taken it’s time in terms of I actually didn’t realise just how much guilt flared up in my day to day thoughts. I guess I’m that used to feeling like that, that now it has just become a part of my normal daily thoughts.
I sometimes feel like I am all these different personas to so many people that I fail to be good enough for everybody.
How do you stop feeling guilty??
This is a question that I ask myself all the time, it’s something that plays on my mind day after day for one reason or another.
I know as a mother I feel guilty a good 90% of the time for the things I have or more than likely I haven’t done. It tends to be that I feel like I have shouted too much, or that I should of said yes to more of the things that the girls asked to do. That I could of actually sat and played a board game with them, rather than just doing that bit of housework that could of waited half an hour.
As a wife I feel guilty for being too tired or not showing enough affection, I could cook more, keep on top of the house work, rather than cramming it all into one day. Maybe say ‘I love you’ more or give cuddles and kisses more. Make more effort to look after myself better and be a good little wife.
The guilt I feel for not being enough to everybody is immense at times and I doubt myself on a daily basis if I’m the best I can be. I know full well I am a crap friend and don’t keep in contact half as much as I should, even if it’s to just drop a quick text or a comment on social media.
I wonder if I am a good enough daughter for my parents in terms of, do I speak to them enough, do I help them enough, am I relying on them too much now as an adult, maybe more so than what I did when I was a child. Do I appreciate them enough for all that they have endured since I was born? Have I been the best aunty to my niece and nephew, are they going to look up to me and come to me with their issues, when they are too worried about what their mum might say. Do I have a close enough relationship with the pair of them?
I know full well that I have neglected my family as whole and when I look at other families and see how close they all are, it makes me wonder why I’m not close to mine. Which in turn I think I am the common denominator in all of these so it must be me that is doing something wrong!!