After having an amazing response to my previous post Girls Don’t Just Simply Decide to Hate Their Bodies Part 1 I decided I could write more about the way girls perceive their bodies. Specifically this time its about me and how I feel rather than my daughters.
I was never bothered by my body or its shape and size, until I hit my teenager years and was at secondary school, I remember looking at other girls and thinking I want to be taller, or that I want to have bigger boobs and a smaller bum and thighs. There wasn’t anything I could do about those things as it was just my genetics and I was always going to be small in height, I am only 5ft 2in and still have a bigger bum and thighs than what I would like. As for boobs well lets just say thank goodness for the invention of push up bras 🙂
As I got older I was more concerned by my body and what others thought of it, I would always try and fit into a size smaller in clothes because my friends were a certain size, I would always wear heels whenever possible so I didn’t look like such a short arse next to other girls who were a ‘normal’ height. I would buy bras that were so padded out because I literally had nothing and was a tiny A or B cup and when it came to summer time I would never dare to wear a pair of shorts or a skirt that went any higher than my knees. Looking back it was so silly of me, because I wasn’t overweight at all, my height really wasn’t an issue and as for the size of my boobs, well what did it matter?? However all that said about my teenage years, here I am nearly 30 years old and still hung up on some of these aspects. I have a picture of me from when I was 21 or 22 I think and I look at it and think ‘I wish I could be like that again’ yet at the time I hated so much about myself. The biggest thing that I dislike so much about myself now is my weight. I hate the number that stares back at me on the scales and I hate the number that the tape measure shows when I measure my stomach.
When I went into a clothes shop the other day to buy a pair of shorts (no higher than the knee remember) I saw on the rail a size 4 which I was shocked by, as surely no woman is naturally that small? But what I was more stunned by was the fact that I picked up a size bigger than normal, knowing that i wouldn’t be able to fit into my usual size comfortably. I then put that size back and got the size smaller as i couldn’t bring myself to admit that i had put that much weight on. I have such a muffin top and despise what I see, i no longer look at myself in the mirror, so im glad it fell off the bedroom wall the other night and still isn’t put back up. I still have a big bum and thighs which is annoying when trying to buy trousers and jeans, high waist are terrible because they cling to my ever growing tummy, but lower and it all just hangs over 😦 We were jeans and smart tops at work, and I wear slightly oversized shirts as we have to tie aprons around our waist and if im honest i bloody hate it every time I walk past the mirror in the entrance or when I do toilet checks. Don’t even get me started on pictures of myself either, I only do face shoots for my blog and it takes me a good few attempts before I will post it.
My weight wasn’t really an issue until after I had my second daughter, I think its because I ended up so big with her due to having extra water and since then I have just yoyo’ed. I did manage to start to lose weight about 18 months after she was born, when I joined Slimming World to get to a weight that I would be happy with for my wedding. When I look back at the pictures of that day I don’t feel ashamed of my weight or the way I look and I am so confident and beaming in them. If only I could get back to that I know I would feel happier in myself. I have thought about going back to Slimming World, but with the shifts that I work now it would be near impossible for me to attend the groups. I have tried to just do it at home, but I don’t have the discipline and then it becomes that vicious circle of not liking my weight, comfort eating crap food because im unhappy, then the scales screaming a bigger number and it continues. The worst thing about it all is, i know what I have to do to change it but i just cant seem to stick at it, which makes me mad at myself and then i feel like i am a failure because i cant even do a simple thing like eat the right foods.
What is wrong with my relationship with food? Why don’t I just stop putting the crappy food in my mouth and eat the right stuff? Why cant I just get up a little earlier and do a workout DVD or instead of binge watching Netflix at night time do some sit ups?
Is it society that has made me feel like I should be slimmer and wear a certain size in clothes?